Monday, 01 January, 2007

On the lack of motivation

2006 was a difficult year for me.  It started out well.  I got to visit Japan again in February, finished the truck's engine transplant in May, and finished the graphics editor project in June.  That project combined with some other work and careful budgeting allowed me to bank six months worth of salary in the business account, giving me some time to find and begin working on a new project.  And then my brain fell apart.  I couldn't get excited about anything.

More correctly, I could get excited about things but I couldn't maintain my excitement about anything concerning work.  I got started working with Action Script 3 and the new Flash 9 over the summer, but began struggling with motivation in late August.  I simply haven't been able to stay focused on any project that requires more than a few days--perhaps two weeks on the outside--of effort.  The only thing that got me really excited over the last six months was my birthday bike ride.  Other than that, the thought of embarking on any project that takes serious thought is painful.

If you're wondering why my posting here has slacked off so much over the past few months, that's it.  My lack of motivation has affected all aspects of my life, including my curiousity about things and my desire to write about what I've learned.

It's doubly distressing because I used to enjoy programming and writing so much.  It was how I defined myself.  To find myself actively avoiding the two activities that have given me the most enjoyment over the years bothers me more than the idea that I've basically wasted six months of my life puttering away at things while I refused to acknowledge the problem.  Even more depressing is that I thought I went through this already, five years ago.  I even wrote about it back then.

Such things can't help but affect my personal life, and when they do it's time to face the problem and find a solution.  Or at least try to determine what the problem is and begin working towards a solution.  A very strong voice in my head tells me to suck it up, quit complaining, and get back to work.  Many people do that because it's what society expects.  They'll give up their happiness in order to avoid looking weak and having to examine their own desires or face their fears.  Perhaps that's what I'll end up doing.  But not just yet.

I'm taking a little vacation alone next week, getting away to somewhere quiet and away from daily responsibilities so that I can clear my head and spend some time trying to figure out what I want to do for the second half of my life.  I can't honestly say that I'll have all the answers when I return, but I expect to have some idea of what to do next.  Perhaps the next step is therapy.  All I know right now is that I can't continue to spend all day sitting in front of the computer waiting for my motivation to return.