Tuesday, 29 November, 2005

Politically Correct Bedtime Stories

Perusing the book shelves last night, I came across three slim volumes I picked up about 10 years ago:  James Finn Garner's Politically Correct Bedtime Stories, Once Upon a More Enlightened Time, and Politically Correct Holiday Stories.  As the titles imply, these books contain more "enlightened" versions of old fairy tales and Christmas stories using politically correct language.  They're definitely worth reading, although I'd suggest one story a day.  Like Gary Larson cartoons, a little goes a long way.  After reading a few stories, things that would have made me laugh out loud rated only a chuckle.  I think I overdosed on hilarity.

For example, in "Frosty the Persun of Snow", Betty and Bobby were arguing over whether their new creation should be a snowman or a snowwommon.  Bobby put his hat on its head and it came to life, resulting in this exchange:

"What's all the fuss about?  It seems like such a silly argument, especially since you neglected to give me any private parts."

Betty regained her composure quickly.  "I don't care if you were born only an instant ago," she said.  "How can you be so naive as to think that a persun's gender is determined by their physical equipment?  It's a cultural issue first and foremost."

I rolled off the couch and onto the floor.  It took me five minutes to stop laughing.

I'm still waiting to read the story of "The Duckling that Was Judged on Its Persunal Merits and Not on Its Physical Appearance."

The dedications at the front of the last two books are amusing, too:

(From Once Upon a More Enlightened Time)
Dedicated to Anne Conrad-Antonville, principla cellist with the Eureka (California) Symphony Orchestra, who chose compassion over culture by resigning her position rather than perform "Peter and the Wolf," an orchestral work that teaches our pre-adults to fear and despise wolves and other wild predators.

(From Politically Correct Holiday Stories)
Dedicated to the good persuns of Moorhead State University, where mistletoe has been officially banned as a holiday decoration, because, according to school president Roland Dille, it "tends to sanctify uninvited endearment."

I was able to verify that the first is real.  I'm unsure about the second, but I wouldn't doubt it.

I don't have to make stuff up.  The world is funny all by its ownself.